They Are Always Watching…

They Are Always Watching…

I’ve been struggling with the idea of moving. The physical. The emotional. It’s overwhelming. I’ve lived more than 40 years in southern California and I’m leaving everything.

I quit my job last week. I didn’t expect it would be easy but I wasn’t ready for how hard it was. Two of my staff members cried the entire meeting. One of them asked if they could go with me. To TEXAS. When I said that wasn’t possible, they said they are considering leaving the agency since I’m not there.

That was unexpected. And just freaking sweet.

Upper management was notified today during a meeting I missed. One of the director’s called me crying. “Please tell me it isn’t true” he said when he reached me on my cell phone. We’ve worked together 4 years. I’ve never seen him cry. “I’m a hard a**. I know it. But this is personal. I’m devastated. Please tell me you are going to change your mind. Please.”

My phone hasn’t stopped ringing. My e-mail is full. My heart is devastated. My boss has e-mailed me three times. More money. A promotion. Remote as long as I want. If there was a kitchen sink, they would have thrown it in.

None of these fix that California isn’t what I want anymore. Remote is appealing but so many of the reasons I’m awesome at what I do is because I’m great at people. People in person. I want remote but I’m better at people. My success is because of that.

I ran 20 miles this weekend. I sobbed for 17. BTW, SUPER hard to cry and still keep a good mile time. Crying produces horrible mile times. But this is growth. I’m not taking the easy way out. It sucks.

Last night Chris was working which meant I worked all day then made dinner. I’m an emotional train wreck at this point and crying is a daily part of my life. I turned on the kids Spotify playlist on the speakers and blasted it (gotta keep it PG with the kiddos) while making lettuce wraps and started dancing in the kitchen. I threw my arms up in the most obnoxious dance to try to keep me from falling apart. All four kids threw their hands up and started dancing with me. I so often forget that they look at me to see what is normal. How they should react when life throws them challenges. I watched as eight arms flailed in the air and thought, ‘You’ve got to be an example’. We laughed and danced to Marshmello.

This is going to be a hard year. Yes, I need to be real but I also need to keep four kids afloat. Kids are watching.

Throw your arms up and dance.

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